It has now been almost two months since I made the move to the country. I have lived in Sydney all of my life, but I have worked in Goulburn, a regional city around 2 hours south of Sydney, for over 20 years now. It has never been the right time for me to move, until now. It took me two years following Rod’s death for me to make the decision, but I have done it.

This is my Granddaughter Myla. I love being her Nanny Jo. She is a joy and she reminds me that Rod’s legacy lives on in her.

I understand that it is probably not the biggest move. Two hours away, in a lovely suburban style house, in a city that has a decent population and most of the conveniences I had in Sydney. I am not living on an isolated property, or in a town with a small population. It is more about the move, not the location. I already knew Goulburn well because I have worked here for 20 years.

For the first time in my life, I am living on my own. I can decorate as I want. I can go to bed early, I can wake up early, I can go to the gym whenever I want. I can cook, or not cook. I can clean, or not clean (ok, I clean). I can work, I can write, I can control the remote on the TV. This is a freedom I have not had before.

However, the freedom does come with a touch of loneliness. In some ways I am starting a whole new life. I have moved away from my family and friends. I need to make new friends again, in my mid 50’s. I miss having the family around and I miss seeing my granddaughter Myla every day, but I know that it is time that Jarrod, Charley and Myla start their life as a family without me. It was time for me to go out on own.

I look out my window as I write this at the beautiful view as the sun sets over the hills behind the city. My dog, Frank, is sitting on the porch enjoying the last touches of the sun for the day. I have some relaxing tunes playing in the background, and I feel like I am on holidays. Is this what retirement feels like?

It feels like the pace of life has moved down a notch or two. Work is about 2 minutes away, with no traffic. I can leave work and be home before the news starts. I am in the Goulburn office more often now and it feels like the distinction between work and home has been better defined. I am still working on the weekends, but it doesn’t feel like a chore. It just feels like the thing I want to do. My mind is filling with ideas of new business opportunities I can explore, or ways to better promote my existing businesses. That is something I normally only experience when I am on holidays.

People are friendly. My neighbour mowed my lawn for me (that would never happen in Sydney) and another neighbour invited me to his daughter’s party to meet some people. Everyone has been wonderful at making me feel welcome. Apart from the last house I lived in (at North Rocks, with wonderful neighbours), we have always been shunned by our neighbours in Sydney (we are renters). North Rocks was the first time I had felt welcome in a neighbourhood since leaving my family home. Within a few weeks, Goulburn is proving to be even more welcoming than North Rocks.

Over the past few weeks I have heard the story of Lauren Zonfrillo. Lauren is the wife of Jock Zonfrillo, the Masterchef judge who suddenly passed away in April 2023. Lauren has written a book about dealing with the grief, and she has appeared for interviews on podcasts and on television. While her story is different to mine, there are some striking similarities. I am currently obsessing over her book, To Death Do Up Part, so Rod is very much front of mind at the moment as the memories flood in.

Lauren had to deal with so much more than I did; fame, children, the sudden death as well as the logistics of it having recently relocated to Italy. It makes me think of the shock of grief, something I didn’t really need to deal with when Rod died. I knew he was going to die. In the very end I wanted it to happen. Those last few days were dreadful and I was willing him to let go, to be at peace. Yet there is still an element of guilt when I recall feeling that way.

The shock of grief started the day I first heard the word cancer. In my heart, I knew what the end result would be despite doing everything we could to fight it. This gave me time to start grieving before he died. It gave me time to grieve with him, not just for him. But then the awful moment arrives, and you are never prepared for what is to come.

Those first few months are a blur. I don’t remember much of what happened and my vivid memories are the ones I would prefer to forget. I made some rash decisions, I am sure I pissed a few people off, and I was not my normal self. I still don’t completely feel my normal self, but I have come a long way. I rarely cry. I can talk pragmatically about death and about losing Rod. I feel sorry for other people without considering that my own situation is not wonderful. However, I am still lacking in confidence and prefer to quietly slip away from the party than be the centre of attention.

That is why, after 2 years and lots of mind changing, I have made this move. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and try something new. As we head into a Goulburn winter, I know I need to make the effort to get out of bed and to get out of the house. I know it is going to be rather tough and very easy to hibernate with a glass of wine and a book. I need to explore and find the confidence to do things on my own. I need to enjoy my own company.

I know I can do this and I look forward to reading this next winter and comparing how far I have come. I am fit and healthy and I have everything to live for. May the next chapter begin.

I highly recommend Lauren Zonfrillo’s book, To Death Do Us Part, for anyone who is going through grief, or is supporting someone going through grief. Thank you Lauren for writing about a topic that is so sensitive in such a beautiful way.